I first learned about shadow work in the mid nineties while working as a drug and alcohol counselor in the interior of BC. I had no idea how to proceed and none of my fellow counselors had a clue as to what I was referring to. The only one that gave me any idea was a young man with intense inner pain. He would tell me I would never understand his pain but I needed to understand mine.
With no one to guide me I started a list of all the flaws of my character and sins of my human existence. It was very depressing. I had a student precept at the time and she thought I was crazy. She could not understand why I did not just look at my good qualities and leave the rest alone. "Just stay in the Light," she would say. The staying in the light was ok but as I stated above I found "my stuff" the things on my list kept surfacing. Staying in the light did not change my bad behaviors nor my crazy thoughts. Staying in the Light only served to bury not transform those things hidden in my shadow. I was determined to remove all the veils.
I had no idea how to do the shadow work and went on a search to learn. I was not very successful in finding someone to guide me through the process and I had a this Big List. It was depressing.
Little did I know that the Big List would get even bigger. The more I looked at myself the more I saw. I saw patterns from my childhood, patterns from my parents childhood, patterns from our society and the environment. I saw false beliefs from religious upbringing and the new age teachings which I was so heavily involved it. The List grew and grew. It became even more depressing.
I had to close Pandora's box for a while to regain some sanity. Then a few years ago I started tackling the list again. I still had all my notes from the mid nineties.
Little by little I started chipping away at t he list. After a year of constant work I was in a space of quietness of spirit and my life was pretty simple. However, some of the remaining stuff would surface and disturb that inner peace. I decided that enough was enough and made some silly request to deal with it all NOW. Mental note to self... remembered to be careful what I ask for.
That was two years ago and did I get to see "my stuff". It is huge. How I reacted to being hurt deeply was less than divine. I knew hurt people hurt people but holy I never thought I would act out so violently. I attempted to act in love and forgive, but a part of me continually wanted revenge and to figure out why? Another part wanted it to all go away and yet another wanted to fix it. My inner demons were so destructive. It cost me a great deal of time, energy and money. My physical health has suffered. The relationships with my friends & family has suffered. And now I have to take responsibility and be accountable. Scary.
and as I write this .. I am told Everything is perfect.. it all needed to come out. It was divinely guided.
Then I found out it was all an illusion.
Going beyond the illusion is taking a lot of work. No guru, no teacher, no consellor, no crystals, no rituals, no drugs, no beings from another dimension, or aliens from some distant planet are going to save me.